“you are good good
you’re never gonna let never gonna let me down”
-King of My Heart
Sarah & John Mark McMillan
This weekend, at Unite, we were singing this song in worship.
It usually a beautiful worship experience for me. But this time I found myself doubting it. Deep down in my heart I knew, I know, it is true. But I was doubting it. So, in this doubt, I started to discover where it was coming from, where my heart was coming from. After tying to find out where this doubt of God’s goodness was coming from I realized this. I feel hurt. I feel so so hurt. And all that I have been going through is hard. I don’t say that to brag in the way that “I hurt more than anyone else”. I say that because my hurt is valid. And life is hard for everyone, some more than others.
But this doubt is hard. “God, why do I hurt this much? Why can’t I just be normal? Why do I have to feel this awful all the time? Why is this happening? This song says ‘you’re never gonna let me down’ but it does NOT feel like that right now.”
No one likes to admit they are doubting God’s goodness. It’s made to be almost shameful in the Christian culture. Which, i’ll say it again, is hard!
I say all that to make this point, my doubt is valid but it is not truth. God is always good. Always sovereign. Always faithful. Always kind. Always always always. And He never will let me down. The only reason I feel let down is because I had/have a vision of God that is mine, and not His. He is not what I perceived Him as; He is so so much more! As Eric Reed, the speaker for UNITE, has said, “You become what you behold.” I also believe that fits for “You expect what you behold.” i feel let down because i have been beholding- setting my eyes on, something that is not God. On perfection, on appearance, on needing everyone’s approval, on weight, on a “perfect” that is not Jesus. that is why I feel let down, not because God isn’t good enough. I feel let down because not a single one of these things will EVER fulfill the goodness of My God.
God needs me to change. I need me to change if I ever want to experience the true joy God has set before me, that Jesus has earned for me. I need to change what I behold & what I set my eyes on. It is a NEED that I set my eyes on Jesus. The one who sets His eyes on me. The one who chases after me again and again no matter how many times I run the opposite direction. He is always good. He is always faithful. He is always sovereign. He is always faithful. He is always kind. Again and again and again. and i have to say this to myself till ALL of my heart believes it. and ALL of my mind. and ALL of my soul. ALL of me needs to believe to change.
Lastly, I’ll say again, God is always good, faithful, sovereign, kind, and so much more than anything anyone could ever imagine.
Thank You for reading!!!