A Poem: Falling Into Me

The following is a poem  I wrote while in an Intensive Outpatient Program. It was inspired by an activity in which we painted/drew/created our “life tree”. I took a spin on it and wrote a poem about the seasons of life.

Katie, this is dedicated to you.

You know how one night you go to sleep and the trees are green

Then, the next morning the trees are completely different.

They change.

Just like that.

Like they put on a mask while not one is looking

It kinda reminds me of myself

How one second I’m fine and then the next I’m torn apart.

My thoughts, moods, behaviors. Everything.

Also when I see the trees with their masks on, how they change

The seasons are like circumstances

The weather like the people surrounding you

How I change depending on these aspects

Some people simply don’t care whether its winter, spring, summer…

But others, its like their Chamber of Secrets opens and lets out the horrendous monster: their mind.

It’s a hurricane most only experience a drizzle of

“This monster of yours, what is it like?” you say…

It’s more like,“This monster of yours, that hovers over you constantly, beating you up, bossing you around, telling you what you can and can’t do, telling you you’ll never be good enough, what’s it like?”

But how would you know?

Every leaf: crimson, orange, gold. Falling into me, or the demon it seems

Every leaf that falls is a minuted wasted serving the monster

As we know, eventually, we’re bare

Wasted, ugly, just a dead, dry plant

And no one cares to mention how winter will come.

The ice-cold knives jab into my shivering skin

The icicles like swords through your back stabbing what little of me is left

Little me

The frigid breeze like the ghost of memories

The snow-flakes falling into me

No one cares to tell you how you’ll feel stuck, frozen in time

Just an object taking up space with no business doing so

No one cares

But through this brutal season there is always this frail little spark; often it flickers but it’s always there

Slowly it melts away the cold, broken emptiness

Slowly it grows stronger soon to be a flame

Soon

There is hope; just hold onto that spark

Don’t fret when it flickers, it is only a test of strength

Your strength

It’s the dawn of a new season

A season of good, of rebirth, on new

The trees are renewed

bursting full of energy growing strong and full, able to nurture others

This is the real me, not my monster

The torturous, cold winter got me

It skinned me to me final layer

I wasn’t living, only surviving

I was barely holding on

But it cleansed me

Proved me stronger than the hurricane in my head

Than the lightning when the blade hits the skin

Than ‘too many calories’

Stronger than ‘not perfect, not enough, worthless, broken ,strained

But remember we’re strong and prosperous

Beautiful, unique, equipped for greatness

It does get better

In a season where it’s too good to be true

The summer breeze, so good that it slaps you back to reality

The new green leaves like fresh sunrise, like a safety blanket during the storm

The flowers like a gentle kiss of peace

Yes, seasons only last so long

And it’s sad, but true, your leaves will fall again

The blizzards of unwanted thoughts, depression, and hopelessness… They will come

Eventually

But so will growth and strength

And that’s where I come in

We have to hold on to the spark

Seasons only last so long

And that’s the best part


Thank you for reading! If you or anyone you know is struggling with depression, anxiety, or can simply relate to anything in this poem please feel free to reach out to me by email; I would love to talk to you!

Claire

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